Should I try to reconcile with my family?

If you’re estranged from someone in your family, you may eventually find yourself asking:

“Should I try to reconcile?”

You might miss them.

You might wonder whether things could be different.

You might be worried that too much time has passed.

Or perhaps other people are encouraging you to reach out.

But reconciliation isn’t a decision you have to make simply because someone else thinks you should.

Reconciliation isn’t the only possible outcome

Sometimes there can be an assumption that the ultimate goal of estrangement should be getting the family back together.

But relationships don’t always return to what they were.

And sometimes maintaining distance may be what feels right for you.

There are many possibilities.

You might want to rebuild the relationship.

You might want some form of limited contact.

You might want to keep things as they are.

Or you might not know yet.

Not knowing is allowed.

Reconciliation requires more than one person

If you’re considering reconnecting, it can be helpful to think beyond the question:

“Do I miss them?”

You might also ask:

“What would need to be different?”

Because wanting a relationship and being able to have a workable relationship are not necessarily the same thing.

Reconciliation may require willingness from both people to understand what happened, take responsibility for their part, respect boundaries and make meaningful changes.

Without that, reconnecting can simply return you to the same patterns that led to the estrangement in the first place.

What about forgiveness?

Forgiveness is another area where people can feel pressured.

You may hear that you need to forgive before you can move forward.

But forgiveness isn’t a simple requirement for reconciliation.

You can decide what level of contact works for you without first reaching some particular state of forgiveness.

You can care about someone without excusing what happened.

And you can decide that you don’t want to rebuild the relationship without needing to make that person the villain.

You don’t have to decide today

Sometimes the pressure to make a decision can become part of the problem.

You may be trying to work out the rest of your life when what you actually need to understand is what feels right now.

If you are considering contact, you might start with smaller questions:

What would I want from reconnecting?

What am I afraid might happen?

What boundaries would I need?

What would tell me that this relationship is safe enough to explore?

And if you don’t know the answers yet, that’s okay.

Sometimes the question isn’t:

“Should I reconcile?”

but:

“What would need to be different for reconciliation to be right for me?”

You don’t have to make a decision because other people think you should.

And you don’t have to know the answer before you begin exploring what you actually want.

Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.