Perhaps you’ve been estranged from someone for a while.
You may have wondered whether you should reconnect.
Then you feel certain you don’t want to.
Then you wonder again.
You might think:
“I don’t know what I want.”
And that uncertainty can feel like another problem you need to solve.
But perhaps you don’t have to decide yet.
You don’t have to know
There can be pressure to choose.
Contact or no contact.
Reconciliation or no reconciliation.
Forgive or don’t forgive.
But relationships don’t always give us such clear choices.
You might want contact but not closeness.
You might want to know how someone is doing without wanting them involved in your life.
You might want to reconnect but be frightened of what that would mean.
You might simply not know.
Wanting to know isn’t the same as wanting to reconnect
Curiosity can be mistaken for a desire for reconciliation.
You might wonder what they’re doing.
You might wonder whether they’ve changed.
You might wonder whether they think about you.
None of that necessarily means you want a relationship again.
Sometimes you are simply trying to understand something that has remained unresolved.
What would reconciliation actually mean?
The word can mean very different things.
Would it mean seeing each other regularly?
A conversation?
An occasional message?
Being able to attend the same events?
Having a relationship with boundaries around certain subjects?
Or something completely different?
You don’t have to decide whether you want “reconciliation” in the abstract.
It can help to think about what contact would actually look like.
What would need to be different?
If you did reconnect, what would you need?
Perhaps more respect.
Perhaps different communication.
Perhaps recognition of what happened.
Perhaps stronger boundaries.
Perhaps less contact than before.
Perhaps nothing more than the ability to be in the same room without conflict.
Thinking about what would make contact possible can sometimes tell you more than asking whether you want reconciliation.
You can change your mind
You might decide you don’t want contact now and feel differently later.
You might try contact and decide it isn’t working.
You might reconnect and later need more distance.
Changing your mind doesn’t necessarily mean you got it wrong the first time.
You are responding to what you know and need at different points in your life.
You don’t have to make a permanent decision today
Perhaps the question isn’t:
“Will I ever reconcile?”
It might be:
“What feels right for me at this point in my life?”
You can leave some questions unanswered.
You can take your time.
You can explore the possibility without committing to it.
And you can decide that no decision is needed yet.
Sometimes uncertainty isn’t a problem that needs solving. Sometimes it is simply where you are right now.
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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