Estrangement rarely stays neatly between two people.
Other people can become involved.
A relative might pass on a message.
Someone might ask you to explain what happened.
You might discover that people have heard a version of the story that is very different from yours.
Or you may feel caught between people you care about.
It can leave you wondering:
“Do I have to choose a side?”
Other people have their own relationships
Someone else may remain close to the person you’re estranged from.
They may see things differently from you.
They may have a completely different experience of that person.
That can be difficult, particularly when you want them to understand why you made the choices you did.
But their relationship doesn’t necessarily invalidate yours.
Two people can experience the same person differently.
You don’t have to convince everyone
It can be tempting to explain yourself when you feel misunderstood.
You may want people to know what really happened to you.
You may worry that someone has only heard one side.
But trying to persuade everyone can become exhausting.
You can explain your position.
You can answer questions if you want to.
And you can also decide that you aren’t going to defend your experience to everyone.
What about children?
This can become particularly complicated when children are involved.
You may want them to maintain relationships with people on different sides of an estrangement.
You may also want to protect them from being drawn into adult difficulties.
There may not be one answer that works for every situation.
What matters is considering what is appropriate for the child rather than using them as a way of communicating between adults.
What if people pressure you to reconcile?
You may hear:
“Life is too short.”
“You’ll regret it.”
“They’re still your family.”
“Can’t you just put it behind you?”
People may be speaking from their own beliefs or experiences.
But they aren’t living the relationship.
You can listen without automatically accepting their advice.
Respecting someone’s boundary isn’t always the same as taking their side
If someone else has chosen no contact, you may respect that decision without necessarily seeing the situation exactly as they do.
Equally, if you have chosen distance, other people may continue to have relationships with that person.
Respecting different choices can be complicated.
It doesn’t mean everyone has to agree.
What would make this easier for you?
Perhaps you need other people to stop passing messages.
Perhaps you need to be able to attend an event without discussing the estrangement.
Perhaps you need certain topics to remain private.
Or perhaps you need to accept that some people will never see the situation in the way you do.
You don’t have to choose a side simply because other people want certainty.
Sometimes the healthiest position is to recognise that several relationships can exist at the same time, each with its own history and boundaries.
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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