Estrangement can sometimes leave you thinking about your own behaviour.
Perhaps you’ve remembered things you said.
Things you did.
Things you wish you had handled differently.
Maybe you know that you made mistakes.
And that can lead to an uncomfortable question:
“What if I was part of the problem too?”
It can be tempting to think that there are only two possibilities.
Either the other person was wrong and you were right.
Or you were responsible for what happened.
But relationships are rarely that simple.
You can have a part without having the whole responsibility
Perhaps there are things you genuinely regret.
Maybe you weren’t always patient.
Maybe you reacted badly.
Maybe there were times when you didn’t listen, withdrew, said things you wish you hadn’t or handled conflict in ways that weren’t helpful.
Being able to recognise that can be important.
But recognising your part doesn’t necessarily mean taking responsibility for everything that happened.
A relationship can contain more than one person’s behaviour, experience and perspective.
Understanding your part doesn’t mean agreeing with their version
You may come to understand why someone experienced the relationship differently from you.
That doesn’t automatically mean their interpretation becomes your truth.
You might think:
“I can see why that hurt them.”
And still think:
“There were things happening between us that they don’t seem to understand.”
Both perspectives can exist.
You don’t have to choose between complete self-blame and complete innocence.
What if you did something you’re not proud of?
Sometimes taking responsibility can actually be part of moving forward.
You might be able to say:
“I wish I’d handled that differently.”
“I understand now why that was hurtful.”
“I can see something I contributed to.”
That doesn’t make you a bad person.
People can behave badly without being defined entirely by their worst moments.
And if you have changed since then, that matters too.
Guilt can sometimes make everything feel bigger
When a relationship has ended badly, it can be easy to look backwards and reinterpret everything through the ending.
You might start thinking:
Maybe it was all my fault.
Maybe I caused this.
Maybe if I’d done that one thing differently, none of this would have happened.
But relationships don’t usually unravel because of one conversation, one mistake or one person.
There may be things you wish had been different.
There may also be things that were outside your control.
Trying to separate those can take time.
Taking responsibility isn’t the same as taking the blame
There is a difference between saying:
“I had a part in this.”
and:
“This was all my fault.”
The first allows you to reflect.
The second can close down reflection because everything becomes an accusation against yourself.
Taking responsibility can mean being honest about what you would do differently now.
It doesn’t require you to carry responsibility for another person’s choices, behaviour or feelings.
What would you do differently now?
Perhaps the most useful question isn’t:
“Who was to blame?”
It might be:
“What have I learned about myself from this relationship?”
You may have learned what you need from relationships.
You may have recognised patterns you don’t want to repeat.
You may have become clearer about your boundaries.
You may have realised that there are things you want to handle differently in future.
That learning can matter whether or not the relationship is ever repaired.
You don’t have to decide that you were completely right.
And you don’t have to decide that you were completely wrong.
Sometimes moving forward means being able to hold a more complicated truth:
“I wasn’t perfect. I had a part in what happened; that still doesn’t mean everything was my responsibility.”
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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