Estrangement can be difficult enough without feeling as though you have to explain it to everyone else.
A friend asks what happened.
A relative wants to know why you aren’t speaking.
Someone at work asks about your family.
You might find yourself trying to decide how much to say, what to leave out and whether the person asking actually needs to know.
Sometimes, it can feel as though you are expected to provide a full explanation for something that is deeply personal.
You don’t owe everyone the whole story
You may have a detailed understanding of what happened.
Or you may still be trying to work it out yourself.
Either way, you don’t have to tell everyone.
You might give a simple explanation.
You might say that the relationship is complicated.
You might choose not to discuss it at all.
There isn’t a requirement to provide enough information for someone else to decide whether your decision makes sense.
Why do we feel the need to explain?
Sometimes we want people to understand.
Perhaps you’re worried they’ll judge you.
Maybe you’re concerned that they’ll think you’re being unreasonable.
Or perhaps you have spent so long questioning yourself that you want someone else to confirm that your decision was justified.
Explaining can feel like a way of proving that your decision makes sense.
But the more you explain, the more you may find yourself defending it.
Other people may never have the full picture
People outside the relationship see a different version of it.
They may know the person you’re estranged from.
They may have experienced them differently.
They may have heard another version of what happened.
They may also have their own ideas about what families should be like.
That doesn’t mean their perspective is wrong.
It simply isn’t the whole story.
And neither is yours necessarily the whole story.
You are describing your experience of a relationship.
You can choose what you share
You might tell a close friend more than you tell a colleague.
You might talk openly with your partner but not with wider relatives.
You might decide that some details belong only in therapy.
You can change your mind about what you want to share.
You don’t have to make the same explanation to everyone.
What if someone doesn’t understand?
They may not.
Someone might think you should reconcile.
Someone else might think you should cut contact completely.
Someone might say, “But they’re still your parent.”
Another person might ask, “Have you tried forgiving them?”
You may find yourself wanting to explain even more.
But the other person’s understanding isn’t something you can control.
You can explain your position without needing them to agree with it.
You are allowed to have privacy
There is a difference between hiding something and choosing privacy.
You can know your own reasons without presenting them for public discussion.
You can be uncertain.
You can have mixed feelings.
You can recognise your own part in what happened.
And you can still decide that other people don’t need access to all of it.
Perhaps the question isn’t:
“How do I make everyone understand?”
It might be:
“Who do I actually want to share this with, and what feels right for me to share?”
You don’t have to justify your relationship choices to everyone around you.
Sometimes protecting your privacy is part of looking after yourself.
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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