You may have reached a point where you don’t want the relationship back.
You may have accepted that contact isn’t right for you.
And yet, there may still be something you wish you could have from the other person.
Not a relationship.
Not an apology.
Not even reconciliation.
Just for them to understand.
To understand why you made the decision you did.
Why you needed distance.
What the relationship was like from your perspective.
Why what happened affected you in the way it did.
Understanding isn’t the same as reconciliation
Sometimes we assume that if you want someone to understand you, you must secretly want them back in your life.
But those are different things.
You can want someone to understand your experience without wanting to resume the relationship.
You might never want contact again and still wish they knew what you were trying to say.
You might want them to understand that your decision wasn’t made lightly.
Or that it wasn’t about punishment.
Or that you didn’t simply stop caring.
Sometimes we want our experience acknowledged
Being understood can matter because it gives our experience somewhere to go.
You may have spent years questioning yourself.
Perhaps you were told that you were too sensitive or too cold.
Perhaps the other person has a completely different version of what happened.
Perhaps you’ve never been able to have a conversation where both perspectives could exist.
You might find yourself thinking:
“If they could just understand why, perhaps I wouldn’t feel so misunderstood.”
That’s a very human wish.
But there is a difficult part.
You may never get that understanding.
What if they never see it your way?
You can’t always make another person understand your experience.
You can explain it carefully.
You can choose your words.
You can give examples.
You can answer questions.
And they may still disagree.
They may remember things differently.
They may not accept your interpretation.
They may not believe that your reasons were sufficient.
That can be painful.
But their understanding isn’t always something you can make happen.
You can know your own experience without their agreement
Sometimes moving forward involves separating two things:
“I need them to understand.”
and
“I need to understand myself.”
The second is something you have more control over.
You can become clearer about what happened for you.
You can acknowledge where you contributed.
You can recognise what you needed and didn’t receive.
You can understand why you made the choices you made.
And you can decide what you want now.
None of that requires the other person to agree.
What if you do still want to be understood?
Perhaps there is a conversation that could happen.
Perhaps there isn’t.
You might decide that saying what you need to say matters, even if you don’t know how the other person will respond.
Or you might decide that you’ve spent enough time trying to explain yourself.
There isn’t a universal answer.
The question might be:
“If they never understand my version of what happened, what do I need for myself?”
That can be a difficult question.
But sometimes it is a more useful one than waiting for someone else to give you something they may not be able to give.
You don’t have to choose between being understood and moving forward
You can wish someone understood you.
You can be disappointed that they don’t.
And you can still decide how you want your life to look.
You don’t have to stop caring about whether they understand.
You may simply reach a point where their understanding is no longer the thing that determines whether you can move forward.
Sometimes you don’t need the relationship back.
You just wanted your experience to be seen.
And sometimes, part of moving forward is finding a way to see and understand it for yourself.
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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