What if I never get an apology for what happened?

You may never get the apology you hoped for

There are times when waiting for someone else to acknowledge what happened can keep you stuck.

You may never get the explanation you hoped for.

You may never hear, “I understand why that hurt you.”

You may never hear, “I’m sorry.”

And while that can be painful, there may come a point where you decide that your ability to move forward cannot depend on someone else saying the right thing.

That doesn’t mean what happened didn’t matter.

It means you are deciding what you want to do with it.

But what happens if you reconnect?

This is where things can become more complicated.

Perhaps you want some kind of relationship again, but the past has never really been discussed.

You might find yourself having a perfectly ordinary conversation while thinking:

“Are we just going to pretend none of this happened?”

You may be laughing together while remembering something that still hurts.

Or you might find yourself becoming angry when certain comments or behaviours remind you of what happened before.

The relationship may have changed, but the history hasn’t.

And that can leave you wondering how you’re supposed to navigate a new relationship when the old one is still part of your story.

Sometimes you don’t need to talk about it

There can be an assumption that if you’re going to rebuild a relationship, you need to talk everything through.

Sometimes that can be helpful.

But sometimes it isn’t.

You may know that you don’t want to revisit the past.

You may not believe the other person will understand your experience.

You may not want to open up conversations that could lead back into old patterns.

Or you may simply want a relationship that works at a more superficial level.

And sometimes, that can work.

You might talk about everyday life, share a meal, see each other occasionally or have contact around particular events without attempting to resolve everything that happened.

It may not be the close relationship you once had.

It may not involve complete emotional openness.

But it can still be a relationship.

And for some people, that may be enough.

Not talking about it isn’t necessarily pretending it didn’t happen

There is a difference between denying what happened and choosing not to make it part of your conversations.

You can remember.

You can still feel hurt.

You can decide that you don’t forgive certain behaviours.

And you can still choose to have contact without repeatedly revisiting the past.

You don’t have to convince yourself that everything is okay.

You don’t have to tell yourself that what happened wasn’t important.

You can simply decide that you don’t want the past to be the subject of your relationship now.

Sometimes, leaving the elephant in the room may actually be what allows the relationship to function.

But what if the elephant keeps getting bigger?

The question is whether the unspoken past is manageable for you.

Perhaps you can accept that the relationship will never be emotionally close and feel comfortable with that.

Or perhaps you find yourself constantly monitoring what you say.

Maybe certain behaviours still trigger strong reactions.

Maybe you’re worried that the same thing will happen again.

Or perhaps you feel increasingly resentful because you’re behaving as though everything is fine when it doesn’t feel that way inside.

You might then ask yourself:

“Is not talking about this helping me, or is it costing me?”

There isn’t necessarily a right answer.

You may decide that a limited relationship works for you.

You may decide that you need more acknowledgement.

You may decide that you don’t want contact at all.

Or you may not know yet.

You don’t have to forgive to have contact

Forgiveness isn’t necessarily the price of admission to a new relationship.

You may not feel ready to forgive.

You may not want to forgive.

Or you may decide that forgiveness isn’t something you need in order to move forward.

You can understand someone’s perspective without deciding that their behaviour was acceptable.

You can care about someone while still having boundaries around what you will accept now.

And you can choose contact without pretending that the past didn’t happen.

A new relationship doesn’t have to look like the old one

If you do reconnect, you don’t necessarily have to recreate the relationship you had before.

Perhaps what is possible now is something different.

It might be close.

It might be limited.

It might be occasional.

It might be practical.

Or it might be a relationship that works largely on the surface.

That doesn’t automatically make it meaningless.

Sometimes a relationship can exist without everything being resolved.

Sometimes you can have contact while accepting that there are things you will never agree about, things you will never discuss, and things you don’t want to forgive.

The question may simply be:

“Does this version of the relationship work for me?”

You may never get the apology you wanted.

You may never forgive everything that happened.

You may never talk about it.

And you may still decide that some form of relationship is possible.

Sometimes moving forward isn’t about resolving the past.

Sometimes it’s about finding a way to live with what happened while deciding what place, if any, that person has in your life now.

Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.