One of the most confusing things about estrangement can be missing someone you don’t actually want back in your life.
You may have made a decision to have no contact or low contact because the relationship wasn’t working for you.
You may still believe that was the right decision.
You might miss the person they were at certain points in your life.
You might miss the relationship you wished you could have had.
You might miss particular memories, traditions or simply the idea of having that person in your life.
That can leave you wondering:
“If I miss them, does that mean I’ve made the wrong decision?”
Not necessarily.
Missing someone doesn’t tell you what you should do
We often treat our feelings as though they should give us an answer.
If you miss someone, perhaps you should reconnect.
If you feel relieved, perhaps you never cared.
If you feel angry, perhaps you haven’t moved on.
But feelings don’t necessarily work like that.
You can miss someone and still know that having them closely involved in your life isn’t right for you.
You can care about someone and still need distance.
You can remember good times without forgetting the reasons the relationship became difficult.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Sometimes you miss what you wanted the relationship to be
Estrangement isn’t always just about losing the relationship that existed.
Sometimes you are also grieving the relationship you hoped you would have.
The parent you hoped would understand you.
The sibling relationship you thought would last throughout your lives.
The relationship you imagined you might have one day when circumstances changed.
Missing that possibility doesn’t necessarily mean you want the relationship that actually existed.
You may be missing what could have been.
Memories don’t always disappear because you have chosen distance
You may still think about birthdays, holidays, childhood memories or ordinary moments.
Something can remind you of them unexpectedly.
You might hear a song, visit somewhere familiar or see another family together and feel something you weren’t expecting.
That doesn’t mean you have gone backwards.
It means the relationship was part of your life.
Choosing distance doesn’t erase your history.
What does the feeling mean for you now?
Instead of asking:
“Does missing them mean I should go back?”
You might ask:
“What exactly am I missing?”
Is it the person?
The relationship?
The good parts?
The sense of belonging?
The hope that things could have been different?
Or simply the fact that someone who was once part of your everyday life isn’t anymore?
Understanding what you are actually missing can sometimes tell you more than the feeling itself.
You don’t have to turn missing someone into a decision
You don’t have to act on every feeling.
You can miss someone and do nothing about it.
You can feel sad and still maintain your boundaries.
You can acknowledge the good parts of a relationship without deciding that you want the whole relationship back.
And you can change your mind too.
Perhaps one day you will want some form of contact. Perhaps you won’t.
There doesn’t have to be a decision every time you miss someone.
Sometimes a feeling can simply be a feeling.
Making sense of both sides
Estrangement rarely fits neatly into one emotional category.
You might feel relief and sadness.
Love and anger.
Certainty and doubt.
You might know that distance was necessary and still wish things could have been different.
None of those feelings automatically tells you what you should do.
The question may simply be what you want your life to look like now, and what place, if any, this relationship has within it.
You can miss someone without wanting them back.
And you can hold both truths at the same time.
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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