One of the painful parts of estrangement can be feeling that the person you’re no longer close to has a completely different idea of who you are.
They may see you as selfish.
Difficult.
Uncaring.
Unreasonable.
Ungrateful.
Or perhaps they believe you are the person who caused the relationship to break down.
And yet, that may bear very little resemblance to how you understand yourself.
You may look at their perception of you and think:
“How can they possibly see me that way?”
They see what happened from their side
The person you’re estranged from has their own experience of the relationship.
They may remember particular events differently.
They may have interpreted your words or actions in ways you never intended.
They may believe you were angry when you were frightened.
They may have experienced distance where you experienced needing space.
They may see you as rejecting them when, from your perspective, you were trying to protect yourself.
They may believe you simply walked away.
They may have no idea how long you thought about it before you did.
They may not know how many times you questioned yourself.
They may not know how much sadness, guilt or uncertainty accompanied the decision.
They see the decision.
They don’t necessarily see everything that came before it.
Being misunderstood can be incredibly painful
It is difficult enough to lose a relationship.
It can feel even harder when the person you’ve lost seems to have an entirely different understanding of who you are.
You may want them to know that you cared.
That you didn’t make the decision lightly.
That you tried.
That you were struggling too.
That there was more going on than they could see.
Sometimes the need to be understood can become almost as important as the relationship itself.
You may find yourself going over conversations in your head.
Thinking about what you should have said.
Imagining how you could explain it differently.
Wishing they could somehow see what was happening for you at the time.
What if their version becomes the version everyone believes?
This can become particularly difficult when other people hear their understanding of what happened.
Perhaps relatives hear that you walked away.
Perhaps they hear that you changed.
Perhaps they are told that you no longer care.
And you may know there is a much bigger story.
You may want to correct it.
To explain.
To make sure people know that there was another side.
Sometimes you may choose to explain.
And sometimes you may decide that you don’t want to share private aspects of your life simply to defend yourself.
Both can be difficult decisions.
You can acknowledge their experience without accepting their definition of you
The person you’re estranged from may genuinely believe their version of events.
That doesn’t necessarily make them dishonest.
It doesn’t necessarily make you dishonest either.
Two people can experience the same relationship very differently.
You may even be able to recognise things that you got wrong.
Perhaps there are things you regret.
Perhaps you behaved in ways you wouldn’t now.
Perhaps you can understand why the other person felt hurt.
None of that means you have to accept a description of yourself that doesn’t feel true.
You can hold more than one truth.
“I understand that this is how they experienced me.”
and:
“That isn’t how I experience myself.”
You may never be able to change their mind
This can be one of the hardest things to accept.
You may explain yourself perfectly and still not be understood.
You may apologise for the things you genuinely regret and still be seen as the person who caused everything.
You may give someone more information and find that it changes nothing.
And sometimes the relationship may never reach a point where both people agree about what happened.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you have failed.
Some things cannot be resolved simply by finding the right words.
What does it mean to you if they misunderstand you?
It may be worth noticing how much their perception has become part of the way you see yourself.
Do you find yourself trying to prove that you’re a good person?
Do you worry that their version of you might be the version other people believe?
Do you need them to understand before you can feel comfortable with your own decisions?
Or are you carrying an image of yourself that came from the relationship rather than from how you actually understand yourself?
You cannot control how someone else sees you and you may never change their understanding of what happened.
But you can begin to separate their perception of you from your understanding of yourself.
You don’t have to deny their experience.
You don’t have to accept their definition of who you are either.
Sometimes moving forward means being able to say:
“They may never see me the way I see myself. And I can still know who I am.”
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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