Being cut off by someone you love can leave you with a lot of questions.
Perhaps contact stopped suddenly.
Perhaps it became more distant over time.
Or perhaps you’ve been told that they need space, but you don’t understand why.
You may find yourself thinking:
“What have I done?”
“Why won’t they tell me?”
“How can they just walk away?”
“Why can’t we talk about it?”
And perhaps one of the hardest questions:
“How am I supposed to make sense of this when I don’t understand what happened?”
Not knowing can be incredibly painful
When someone chooses no contact or low contact with you, there can be a strong desire to find an explanation.
You might replay conversations.
Go over things you said or did.
Think about key moments in the relationship.
Ask other family members what they know or think.
You may even find yourself trying to piece together a story that makes sense of what has happened.
Sometimes there is a clear explanation.
Sometimes there isn’t.
And sometimes the two people involved have very different perspectives of the relationship.
Your experience is real too
Being the person who has been left behind brings its own grief.
You may be grieving the relationship you had, the relationship you thought you had, or the relationship you hoped you would have in the future.
You might feel sad, rejected, angry, confused, guilty, scared or completely overwhelmed.
You may also feel misunderstood.
Perhaps you’ve been told that you have done something wrong, when that isn’t how you experienced the relationship at all.
It can be incredibly difficult to hold that uncertainty.
Understanding doesn’t always mean agreeing
One of the hardest things about estrangement is that there may not be one version of the story that everyone agrees on.
You may genuinely not understand why the other person has chosen distance.
That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.
And it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with their understanding of what happened.
At the same time, trying to understand their perspective can sometimes tell you something important about the relationship, even when you see things very differently.
That isn’t about deciding who is right or wrong.
It’s about becoming curious about what happened between you.
What can you do when you don’t have answers?
You may not be able to make the other person explain their decision.
You may not be able to change their mind.
And repeatedly trying to get answers may sometimes create even more distress, particularly if they have asked for space.
But you can begin to look at what is within your control.
You might ask yourself:
What do I know about what has happened?
What have I been told, and what am I assuming?
Is there anything I want to take responsibility for?
What would I want to do differently if I had the opportunity?
What do I need in order to cope with the uncertainty?
These questions aren’t about blaming yourself.
They’re about finding a space for you when you don’t have all the answers.
What if you want the relationship back?
You may desperately want contact to resume. That is understandable.
But wanting reconciliation and being able to reconcile are not necessarily the same thing.
A relationship can only be rebuilt if there is some willingness from both people to engage with what has happened.
Sometimes the most useful place to start isn’t with “How do I get them to speak to me?” but with: “What can I understand about myself, this relationship and what has happened?”
That may eventually help you decide what you want to do next.
It might mean reaching out differently.
It might mean respecting the distance for now.
Or it might mean finding a way to live with not having the resolution you hoped for.
There isn’t one right answer.
You don’t have to work this out alone
Estrangement can leave you feeling as though you’re expected to simply get on with things while privately carrying grief, confusion and unanswered questions.
Therapy can provide a space to talk about what has happened without having to defend yourself or prove that you are right.
My role isn’t to take sides or tell you whether you should pursue reconciliation.
It’s to help you make sense of your experience, understand what you’re carrying and explore what you want for yourself now.
You may not be able to change someone else’s decision.
But you can begin to understand what this experience means for you.
Hello, I’m Sarah Swain, an accredited therapist and coach working online across London, South East, Kent and the whole of the UK. I’ve worked as a therapist across the NHS, charities and Employee Assistance Programmes for over 15 years. I am trained in integrative therapy, coaching and EMDR and I support adults navigating estrangement.
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